Last edited October 21, 2017.
I’m writing this when I’m feeling the most anxious, because I know later I won’t feel this way anymore and I will try to play it down, but right now I am present in the pain and I want to share what this feels like.
How do I describe it. It’s like a Jehovah’s witness who won’t stop knocking on your door. You’ve chased them away multiple times before - you don’t want to listen to their preaching - and yet they come back again and again. You’re not sure whether it’s better when you answer or when you don’t. If you do, you’ve wasted the past few hours listening to their lectures, cringing internally, hoping they’ll just leave you alone sooner. But if you don’t, there it goes: knock, knock, knock, knock. It’s happened so many times, you’re practically classically conditioned by now, each knock reminds you of a verse they preach, it echoes in your head incessantly, you’re trying not to answer. You just want to shut it off sometimes, shut it all off. Suicide was never an option in your mind, but some days you feel like your mind will drive you mad first anyway. Instead you sleep; the second best option. But as you try and sleep you can still hear it knocking away, chipping away at your woodwork. Knowing they’ll be gone in the morning doesn’t help, because right now, they’re still there. Ever present. Ever annoying. If you could unsubscribe you would, but it feels like it’s getting louder and louder until it’s ringing in your head and eventually you just open the door, if it means they’ll shut up… eventually.
I’m going to sleep.